A Heart Update

Long time friends and family – did you notice this blog was dead empty space for a long time? I know you did because you sent me Facebook messages constantly asking for updates. Ahem.  You know who you are.  I could lie stretch the truth and tell you my usual excuse – Owls for Orphans was taking up all my time and energy.  But really? That wasn’t it at all. Honesty is hard and it’s easier to just pretend you’re busy rather than be transparent.

But here I am, sucking it up and being transparent.  You see, a few months ago I joined a community of ladies who are stretching me and encouraging me to use this online space of mine to make a difference.  And while I’m not super comfortable with my story or the details of the last half a year, I’m going to share them anyway because I know that God is bigger than me and His story is bigger than mine. My prayer is that my transparency and honesty will encourage other moms to start breaking down the barriers society has put in place that make us feel like we have to have it all together. Because frankly? Only God can have it together all the time.

If you recall, Craig and I have three children.  Nathan is 4 (almost 5), Alex is 3, and Maia is 8.  Maia legally became part of our family in June of 2013 through an international adoption.  You can find most of that story here on the blog.  Shortly after Maia came home I grew pretty silent.  We were having a hard time.  I was having a hard time.  Depression was real and attachment was a problem. This post-adoption adjustment was taxing me and testing my faith in ways I didn’t think possible.  It’s a strange experience to go from knowing you are RIGHT where God wants you to wishing you could turn back time and ignore His will altogether.  You can read the whole ugly truth over on the Owls Blog if you’d like.

It was a dark, tense time in our home. I said things I shouldn’t have said and I was hurt in ways I didn’t think I could hurt. I lost friends. I grew bitter. I was talked about. I was broken. My heart was shattered and I gave up on God.  It was ugly, y’all.  Real icky stuff right there.

Thankfully God didn’t give up on me as easily as I gave up on Him. He pursued me and I eventually gave in.  You can only live a stagnant life on your own for so long before realizing you need help.  That’s not to say there’s not still ick I’m working through – because there is. But I’m not working through it on my own this time and I’m not letting it define me.

After months of ignoring my feelings I’m finally digging down deep and working through the mess of these last few months. So where’s my heart now?

Honestly, I’m not always sure. It still feels lost and alone a good bit of the time and it’s still bruised and sore for certain. But the bruises are no longer defining me. I know who I am in Christ and I know who He has called me to be.  I’m called to be a wife and mother.  I’m called to advocate for the fatherless and do what I can to encourage mamas in the trenches. I’m called to live honestly and transparently and not to put on a front.  If the world seems to think I’m not good enough – then bring it on.

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We have good days and bad days here in our home and my heart seems to swing along with them. Our good days consist of games of Memory, extended snuggling with a Magic Treehouse book, carefree play in the backyard, a tidy home, and a sense of accomplishment that connections were made and hearts were happy.  Our bad days consist of me and a little one (or two or three) copping attitudes with each other, mastering the art of grumpiness, and going to bed with messes in our home and in our hearts. But I’m learning there is grace even on the bad days and I always have a second chance to make things right. The mess doesn’t define me. The bruises don’t define me. The mistakes don’t define me. I am a child of God and that is all the defining I need.

God is good and grace abounds.  And that’s enough for this bruised and tender heart to begin healing and make the most of this season we’re living in.

 

  • http://www.joyfullyorganized.com Sarah Bonner

    Thank you for sharing! I can imagine it was hard for you to share, but it was brave! I do think a lot of the time the hard side of the issues are not talked about, so I appreciate you sharing them in the light of Christ. I think that is so important.

    • Amy Moss

      Thank you Sarah!

  • http://theinspiredstory.com/ Rachel Haltiwanger

    Amen amen amen! What strength you have to share this! Your story is more beautiful for the brokenness. Thank you for sharing.

    • Amy Moss

      Thank you!

  • http://8050place.com Wendy Wilson

    Thanks for being transparent! My children are adopted and we have experienced difficulty with our second adoption. I had to go “back to the basics” so to speak and started reading Elisabeth Elliot’s Let Me Be A Woman. The book is all about who I am as a woman in God. It has helped remind me of who I am in Christ! Glad I’m not alone!

    • Amy Moss

      Thanks for sharing, Wendy. I’ll have to check out that book!

  • Kari

    I agree with Rachel – more beautiful for the brokenness. Your honesty and transparency inside the struggle is courageous.

    • Amy Moss

      Thank you!

  • http://imalwaysashley.com Ashley D. Flores

    I really appreciate this honesty. I don’t think many Christian-women would ever admit they gave up on God. Especially not on the Internet for the world to see. But in all truth, that’s what we all do when we allow stress and doubt to rule us instead of resting in Him. Thank you for being open with us and may God bless your family :-) .
    xoxo

    • Amy Moss

      Thanks Ashley. It sure wasn’t fun, but my faith is much stronger now that it’s been tested.

  • http://www.emilyrenee.blogspot.com/ Emily Bedwell

    Thanks for sharing your honesty and your story. It’s hard to admit that something you are so passionate about is hard and not all happiness and roses. It’s amazing and humbling to see someone admit that sometimes it’s hard and sometimes it hurts. Thanks for being open and sharing. Praying that God gives you strength for the hard days and joy in the good days!

    • Amy Moss

      Thank you Emily!

  • Alexandra Rains

    Your transparency is such an encouragement! I am so thankful that HE continues to pursues our hearts even when they are little bit icky.

    • Amy Moss

      Thank you Alexandra! Side note: our youngest daughter shares your name. LOVE it!

  • http://amamacollective.com/ Jenna Guizar

    Beautiful, Amy. Your honesty here is so good. So, so good. Thank you so much for having the courage to speak about something you’ve struggled with. I know that so many mothers will be able to come here and say, “It’s not just me,” and find comfort in that. I am grateful for the truth that you speak :) ~Jenna // A Mama Collective

  • Lauren Beth Hanson

    Like all of these ladies have said, I appreciate your openness and honesty about your experience. You are being “gospeled” through this trial. What a light you will be(and are) to those who will share the same experience. Adoption is never clean or easy. Our adoption certainly wasn’t clean and easy with Jesus. Thanks for sharing!

  • Marianne @White Peach Potter

    Amy, I LOVE this post. I think we’ve all been there, and to hear it told so eloquently is a blessing. It helps us, as women, know we’re not alone in experiencing times of brokenness and hurt, and attacking those around us out of fear (and then being attacked back out of the fear of others). I’m like you in recently finding the community, and it’s been such a blessing for me to experience love and understanding without judgement, but with grace and open arms. I’m so excited to walk through life’s journeys with you!

  • http://thejenweaver.com/ Jen Weaver

    Thank you for your transparency! We all have seasons like this and it’s hard to put it out there for others to see. Your story will bring encouragement and hope to so many, including myself. I love the line “going to bed with messes in our home and in our hearts.” More than going to bed with my home clean each evening, I want my heart to be clean before my Father and before my family. Loved this.

  • Frances Crusoe

    I love you transparency! We often have no idea how powerful and freeing
    it is to hear someone else’s story and realize that so many other people
    can relate. Being apart of the Influence Network was a little nerve
    wrecking for me because I sometimes feel like I don’t quite fit in
    (single mom when the majority of the ladies are married or stay at home
    moms and look so put together!). But thank God for everyone being so
    open about their lives and imperfections! I love seeing the little
    updates you post on Instagram about Maia progress and I am praying for
    abundant blessings for you and your family.